Despite being on the Road to Wrestlemania, it’s safe to say that Monday Night Raw has been lackluster for the last…Oh, God, it has been a while. So, in order to make sure you do not waste your time with a mediocre Raw, we’ve compiled the most important spoilers and rumors with regards to tonight’s show. As WWE has the crazy habit of changing its collective mind 4 times a minute, these are all unconfirmed reports from the magical land of dirt sheets; your Raw viewing results may vary:
In the biggest spoiler for tonight, The Vigilante Sting is in Des Moines, Iowa for Raw, presumably to confront HHH for the 4th time in 5 months. In related news, the Road to Survivor Series rolls on!
Rusev’s No. 1 squeeze Lana will not be on television for the foreseeable future, as she is doing what all popular WWE superstars later regret: shooting a WWE Studios film.
Hulk Hogan finally realized that he is way too old to even talk in public, and so he will (most likely) not be reprising his WrestleMania role from last year at the Silverdome. Err... Levi’s Stadium.
In the next installment of the Nobody Cares Hall of Fame Announcements, Kevin Nash is going to be the next inductee in this year’s illustrious class. No word on whether he will be inducted under his own name, under “Diesel,” or under the moniker of “guy who really just wanted to make a shit-ton of money.”
And finally, your weekly Brock Lesnar Watch: The reigning, defending, undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World (trademark: Paul Heyman) will NOT be at Raw tonight because Iowa doesn’t actually have a runway big enough for his private jet. In his absence, Heyman will summon Satan himself to get Brock heat, only for the crowd to choose to give up their souls for eternity rather than cheer for Roman Reigns.
You can also assume that Bray Wyatt will wheeze his way through a one-sided promo against the ghost of the Undertaker, Bad News Barrett will lose whatever match he is put into because the Intercontinental belt means nothing anymore, and Daniel Bryan will still be so over that his lack of a spot in the main event will make you reconsider your entire life. On the bright side, it’s Austin 3/16 day, so crack open a beer and remember when wrestling wasn’t universally loathed, even by its own fans.
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